• About

Histrionics

~ with Heidi

Histrionics

Category Archives: Uncategorized

Are you here because of Johnny and Amber?

28 Thursday Apr 2022

Posted by heidihorner in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

I am completely curious as to how many people will find this site because the term “Histrionic Personality Disorder” was apparently associated with Amber Heard today. My page views seem to be up… I may owe those two unfortunate souls a thank you when their ordeal is all said and done.

If you found this webpage as a result of the Johnny vs Amber fiasco, let me know. I might just be inspired to post a little more often.

Welcome to Histrionics with Heidi!

“Scrabble Confessional” Update

26 Wednesday Jan 2022

Posted by heidihorner in EBWW, Humor, memoir, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

book release, EBWW, Humor, memoir, sisters!

I should have posted this last October when the book came out, like a competent writer would do. I got the posts to FB and IG…but forgot about posting it here (see previous BPS post).

Remember last year when I said an essay of mine was a contest winner and was going to be published in a compilation? Well, that has happened! Instead of thinking of this post as egregiously late, we are going to call it Phase 2 of the book launch! Here it goes:

Do you have a sister? Are you a sister? Know a sister? Have a friend you consider a sister? If so, do I have the book for you (or them)!

Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter

Featuring Nickie’s Prize Winners, Bestselling Authors, Saturday Night Live Legends

DAYTON, Ohio — Bestselling author Amy Ephron calls Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter “a tribute to the love, laughter and closeness of family that Erma Bombeck so brilliantly inhabited.”

Published by the University of Dayton’s Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, the book explores the humorous, nobody-else-could-ever-understand, special world of sister relationships — and friends in your life who are just like sisters. Sisters! features 21 original, hilarious stories by the winners of Nickie’s Prize for Humor Writing, including me! Available where you buy books.

For more on Sisters! Bonded by Love and Laughter, visit go.udayton.edu/erma/sisters.

MAKES A GREAT GIFT!!

#EBWW2020

02 Wednesday Sep 2020

Posted by heidihorner in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

EBWW2020, Humor

Woot Woot! I get to attend the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop again, virtually. Looking forward to some laughs. 🙂

…Two Years Later

27 Thursday Aug 2020

Posted by heidihorner in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

2020, family life, Humor, memoir

It’s been two years since I lasted posted. Two tumultuous years. To say some shit has gone down would be an understatement. Some things have been good, but there has been enough bad to cast a grey cloud over it. And then the year 2020 kicked into high gear and sent us all into a tailspin. Like a lot of people, I’m a bit flustered with the state of things right now. Flustered, frustrated, frightened, and f’ing pissed off. Frankly, just down and out. I had the highest of hopes for the year 2020. The greatest of expectations. I should have known from experience though, that the quickest way to be let down is to have high expectations. Or maybe any expectations at all.

Hoping for the best always reminds me of Snorkel Bob’s on Maui, where a very stoned employee once suggested we choose the mid-priced rental gear, “…which SHOULD work fine, brah. Just hope for the best!”

The good news is none of us drowned that year. Although that has more to do with the beaches being subsequently shut down due to a fatal shark attack, than being in possession of adequate snorkeling equipment. Good times.

I’d have to say my biggest loss during this time has been the loss of my sense of humor. My humor was usually what got me through the true tests of life (the passing of friends and pets, health struggles of my own and others, work/life balance, family matters, etc.). But it’s elusive right now. My sense of humor, that is. Only on the rarest of occasions do I feel it peaks out to remind me it’s there somewhere, buried under life’s heaviness. My humor going MIA has left me feeling mostly empty. Which in turn leaves me feeling flustered, frustrated, frightened, and f’ing pissed off.

Like Stella, I’ve lost my groove. And I guess, when you feel like this, the best thing to do is take the advice of Snorkel Bob and hope for the best. Or maybe just get stoned and wait for this to pass.

Bra Dwellers

26 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by heidihorner in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

I was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office waiting for my daughter, reading, and minding my own business. A mountain of an elderly woman squeezed herself into the chair on my left. Her caretaker (?) daughter (?) took the chair on my right. They began a conversation across my lap. Next thing I knew, they were passing an oversized handbag across me. And then an inhaler. And then the handbag again. I closed my iPad.

Mountain Woman took a long drag off her inhaler, while Caretaker-Daughter asked me about my iPad. After a quick Apple endorsement, the conversation dwindled. Caretaker-Daughter leaned around me and asked Mountain Woman if Xavier had gone back to sleep.

I looked around. What had I missed? Was there a kid somewhere? What the…?

Mountain Woman pulled the neckline of her blouse away from her chest and looked down at her enormous bosom. She nodded, confirming that Xavier had indeed gone back to sleep.

My jaw fell. Clearly baffled, I looked back and forth from woman to woman.

“Wanna see?” Mountain Woman inquired.

Um, well…of course I do. Or do I? Do I have to peek into your shirt? Are other people watching this? “Sure,” I said cautiously.

Mountain Woman reached between her twin peaks and extracted a furry creature. She held it out to me. “Want to pet it?”

Uh…

“It’s a Sugar Glider.” Exclaimed Caretaker-Daughter. “It goes everywhere with her.”

I have to take a second here and remind the reader that we were in a doctor’s office. Although I will be the first to admit that I kiss my dog on the lips, I found myself questioning whether or not this was sanitary.

The little mouse-guy sat on Mountain Woman’s out stretched palm and peered at me with huge, admittedly sweet eyes. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I rubbed the top of his tiny head with my finger and wondered how clean he could possibly be. I love animals, but this rodent had emerged from a stranger’s bra. What other sorts of things were going on in there?

As if to answer my question, Xavier turned around and did his business on Mountain Woman’s hand. Then he scampered up her arm and nestled back down into her cleavage.

“Oopsie,” said Caretaker-Daughter, “let me get a Kleenex.”

And maybe hand sanitizer? My daughter emerged from the exam area and beckoned she was ready to go. “Well, it’s been fun,” I murmured to the women with a quick wave.

After explaining the exchange to my teenage daughter (whose first reaction was: “Why didn’t you ask her to let ME pet it?”), I pulled out my iPad and researched the Sugar Glider. First of all, I learned they are marsupials, not rodents. And they don’t do their business in places where they sleep, which are usually cages or people’s pockets. I assume this may apply to bras. They are cute and apparently make great pets.

I have mixed emotions. Are bra dwelling marsupials unsanitary? Cute as they are, would I want one living in my shirt? My daughter said she’d take one, but was worried that her chest wasn’t big enough to comfortably host it, which would mean she’d have to constantly wear a hoodie with pockets and that went against her stylish fashion sense. Thank goodness.

Having been made aware of the existence of bra dwelling marsupials, I now find myself compelled to look at all heavyset women and wonder what they might have living in their brassieres.

← Older posts

Recent Posts

  • Headed to #EBWW2022
  • Are you here because of Johnny and Amber?
  • “Scrabble Confessional” Update
  • *WaRniNg* from BPS
  • F***ed Up, So Gonna Post It

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 13 other subscribers

Recent Comments

heidihorner on …Two Years Later
Jolyn Young on …Two Years Later
Jolyn Young on EBWW 2018
Katie on Bra Dwellers

Archives

  • October 2022
  • April 2022
  • January 2022
  • November 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • April 2018
  • December 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Humor

  • 250 words
  • Basal Cell Carcinoma
  • Botox
  • Cartoons
  • EBWW
  • Fairy Tale
  • Flash Fiction
  • Historical Flash Fiction
  • Humor
  • Melanoma
  • memoir
  • Skin Cancer
  • Uncategorized
  • Welcome

Recent Posts

  • Headed to #EBWW2022
  • Are you here because of Johnny and Amber?
  • “Scrabble Confessional” Update
  • *WaRniNg* from BPS
  • F***ed Up, So Gonna Post It

Recent Comments

heidihorner on …Two Years Later
Jolyn Young on …Two Years Later
Jolyn Young on EBWW 2018
Katie on Bra Dwellers

Archives

  • October 2022
  • April 2022
  • January 2022
  • November 2020
  • September 2020
  • August 2020
  • April 2018
  • December 2016
  • October 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016

Categories

  • 250 words
  • Basal Cell Carcinoma
  • Botox
  • Cartoons
  • EBWW
  • Fairy Tale
  • Flash Fiction
  • Historical Flash Fiction
  • Humor
  • Melanoma
  • memoir
  • Skin Cancer
  • Uncategorized
  • Welcome

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.com

Blog at WordPress.com.

  • Follow Following
    • Histrionics
    • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
    • Histrionics
    • Customize
    • Follow Following
    • Sign up
    • Log in
    • Report this content
    • View site in Reader
    • Manage subscriptions
    • Collapse this bar
 

Loading Comments...